GOLD TITANIUM ALLOY!
by vamp of alium sativum
Summary: Tony must convince the Avengers that his superhero name does not mean that he will do their laundry for them. what better way to do that than send them on a scavenger hunt throught the Big Apple? Crackfic- oneshot.
1. Dirty Laundry

Rating: PG/K+

Disclaimer: It has come to the point in this story where I must crush all of my childhood dreams. I don't own the Avengers, or stark tower, or Jarvis, or anything else that is recognizable in this story.

A/N: though it would be interesting to see Tony's reaction to the suggestion of doing all of the laundry for the Avengers.

Tony woke up slowly. He thought he had earned the right to sleep in, with all his Billionaire-Genius-Playboy-Philanthropism, and saving New York City from a Chitauri attack and a nuclear strike. So he was stunned when he finally got up and saw a pyramid of full laundry baskets at the foot of his bed.

"Jarvis, what happened?" Tony asked in a tone that said 'I'm not sure I really want to know the answer.'

"It appears that your co-workers mistook your bedroom for the laundry room, sir. Perhaps it is because of your name."

"What do you… oh." Tony said confusedly.

When he finally understood what Jarvis was talking about, he quickly got dressed and stormed out into the kitchen where all of the Avengers were assembled, eating breakfast. They ignored his grand entrance. Thor was reading the comic strip from the morning newspaper and munching on a box of pop tarts. Natasha was staring out the window and absentmindedly chewing her whole grain cinnamon toast. Everyone else was waiting for Bruce to finish cooking the pot of oatmeal that was bubbling on the stove. If Tony wasn't irritated before they ignored him, he certainly was now. He cleared his throat, and everyone's attention was directed toward him. Everyone (except Thor) immediately knew that he was pissed off, and they also knew _why_ he was pissed off. But Thor was the only one brave (or stupid) enough to talk to him.

"Whatever is the matter, Man of Iron?" Thor asked innocently. Tony took his good natured friends question completely the wrong way. His face went from a slightly irritated scowl to a beet-red-steam-coming-out-the-ears scowl.

"IT'S GOLD-TITANIUM ALLOY!" Tony shouted. The rest of the Avengers calmly went back to eating breakfast.

He stormed back out of the room, back to his bedroom. He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at the pile of baskets. He glanced out the window, then back at the baskets. Suddenly, he got an idea.

"Jarvis, open the window."

"Sir, it's 15 degrees outside. Are you sure you want…"

"Open it, now, or I'll steal the green guy's idea and smash it open."

"Right away, sir."

The window slid open as if by magic. Tony picked up the baskets and walked over to the open window. He set them on the windowsill and stacked all five baskets together. With a grin, Stark shoved the stack of baskets and watched as they fell down to the street below.

"JARVIS, close the window."

"Yes, sir. As you wish."

Fin.


	2. Confiscated

Chapter 2

A/N: Per the request of Mossclaw (Guest reviewer) I have decided to continue GOLD TITANIUM ALLOY! to include the reactions of the team when they realize that their clothes are missing. Not only am I fulfilling this request, I'm extending it out for probably at least two more chapters, maybe more. (The plot bunnies have finally started to earn their keep!) I hope this lives up to your expectations, Mossclaw. Here it goes.

Disclaimer: If I owned Marvel or any of its affiliates, do you really think that I would be writing fanfiction?

5:30 AM

Natasha woke up early because she always went down to the gym before breakfast. She stumbled sleepily to her chest of drawers, hoping to find that Tony had actually done the laundry. Sadly, she found, he hadn't. He hadn't done the laundry, or even returned the still dirty garments. Upon further investigation, she found that her entire wardrobe was missing. She just didn't know what had happened to it all. Normally, she wouldn't allow herself to be seen in her nice pretty pajamas. No one in Stark tower had ever seen her wear anything but black and red. She wondered how many stares she would get when she showed her face while wearing her chocolate-brown-with-turquoise-polka dots-spaghetti strap-and capris pants-pajamas. She didn't seem to have any other options at the moment, though, so she headed toward her bedroom door to go find the fool who had taken her clothes. Stuck to the door was a piece of paper. It read:

_Team pajama party in the shop, eight AM. Don't miss it!_

_-Tony_

0o0o0o0o0o0o

5:45 AM

Steve woke up to the Reveille alarm sound on his new cell phone. Now that he was awake, he wondered how one turned off the alarm.  
He decided to just wait until it turned off on its own, and got up to get dressed for his workout. Only, he realized, none of his clothes were where they were supposed to be. Nothing in the closet. Not a single garment left in the drawers. Nothing. So, he headed out of his room in his boxers and undershirt to see what had happened. On his way out of the room, something caught his eye. A brightly colored post-it note was stuck to his door. He didn't know it, but every member of the team had a post it note exactly like it. From Tony. Something about a pajama party in the shop later. Steve decided to wait for his workout until his clothes were recovered. He headed out to the kitchen to see what was going on.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

6:00 AM

Bruce woke up to the sound of two angry Avengers outside his door. Natasha was yelling, and Steve was knocking and yelling at Natasha to stop yelling. It didn't really get the day off to a good start when you woke up to yelling and banging at your door. But instead of showing his anger, Bruce took a few deep breaths to get back to his Zen-like state of calm before he got up. Before he went to the door, he looked at his reflection in the mirror on his closet door. Normally, he would get dressed before being seen by his co-workers, but he figured the dark blue pajama set wasn't as embarrassing as some other things could be. He went to the door to see what Tasha and Steve wanted. Just as he grabbed the doorknob, he saw his post it note from Tony. He glanced at the clock. Half past six: plenty of time to shower, get dressed, and make it downstairs in time for the meeting. He opened the door, thinking that his friends were waking him for the surprise meeting. As he opened it, he started talking at the same time as Natasha and Steve. "Don't worry, I got the note. 'pajama party' in the shop," got garbled up with Natasha's "What the hell happened to our clothes?!" and Steve's "I think someone stole our clothes." Bruce was surprised.

"What do you mean, 'someone stole out clothes'?" Natasha and Steve replied in unison.

"OUR CLOTHES ARE GONE!"

"Well, I suppose that explains your showing up at my door in you pj's. Trust me, I didn't take them. Let me get dressed, and I'll help you find them."

Bruce closed the door and went to his closet to retrieve his usual attire, a button up shirt, and a pair of nondescript pants. When he opened the door, he finally realized what Tasha and Steve were talking about. The closet was completely empty. He ran back to the door, and yanked it open.

"WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!" He yelled.

"It's okay, Bruce, calm down. We'll find them. I have a feeling that Tony is behind it." Natasha said fearfully.

"Yeah. It's probably a reaction to the dirty laundry in his room. I don't think he wanted to do it." Cap stated.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Natasha said. "Do you think we should wake Thor up?" she asked Bruce. "You know how long it takes him to wake up."

"I say, let sleeping gods lie"

As Natasha and Steve burst out laughing at that horrible pun, Clint came out of his room in his pj's, basketball shorts and sleeveless white shirt

"What'd I miss?" he asked sleepily.

"Oh, nothing much. Just me making a terrible joke, someone stealing all of our clothes, and Natasha and Steve collapsing in a giggling heap." Bruce said.

The only part of that reply that Clint heard was "someone stealing all of our clothes" and that phrase echoed through his mind. He ran back to his room and glanced into his closet. EMPTY! he ran to Thor's room and started to bang on the door.

"Thor! Open up!"he kept pounding on the door until everyone's favorite demigod opened it. Shanding there in his blue plaid flannel pajama pants. "What is the matter, friend Clint? Is Loki attacking again? What is happening?"

"No. Worse." With that, Hawkeye broke down in tears.

"What is it? Frost Giants? More Chitauri?" Thor asked, afraid for his life.

"No. Worse." Hawkeye was nearly hysterical by this time.

"Attack of the Bilgesnipe?" Thor asked, wondering what could be worse than another Chitauri attack. At this point, Hawkeye was a mumbling, sobbing mess, so Bruce took over.

"Clint is upset because someone came into his bedroom in the middle of the night and stole all of his clothes." Banner explained calmly.

"So? He can borrow some of my clothes." Thor said, proud that he had come up with a solution. Then Natasha chimed into the conversation.

"Uh, Thor, have you checked out _your_ closet?" Thor's eyes widened, and he ran back into his room and tore the closet doors off their hinges. When he saw the empty shelves, he fell to his knees, much like on his first trip to Midgard when he found that he couldn't lift Mjolnir. After a moment of silence, He got up.

"So what are we going to do about this, friends?"

"We have a meeting with Tony at eight. We'll find out where he took our clothes then." Steve said. "Now who wants breakfast?" With a little over two hours until their "pajama party" they all accepted Steve's offer of food.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

While all this was happening upstairs, Tony was in his shop, AC/DC blaring, working on his blue and white sports car. He almost had it back to its original near-mint condition, after his first expedition with the suit ended badly for it. As he worked, he wondered whether his housemates had realized that their clothes were missing, or if they found their first clues to the scavenger hunt he had arranged to take place that morning. After yesterday's escapade of throwing his friends' clothes out the window, he had gone a step further and confiscated all of their clothes. All they had left was whatever they had gone to bed in. Tony thought that it would be interesting to see everyone in their pajamas when they came down to the shop for a meeting later that morning. Natasha was usually the first one to wake up, followed by Spangles, then Bruce. Clint was next. Thor was the second to last to wake up: Tony himself was the king of sleeping in. He hated waking up, but he wanted to be awake when everyone realized that the clothing was gone. His motto about waking up was the same as with drinking. If you don't stop drinking, you don't have to deal with a hangover, and if you don't go to sleep, you don't have to wake up. So he had stayed up all night, working on various things around the shop. By midnight, the only thing that still needed work was that poor little blue car, and he'd been working on it ever since. he decided to stop car repairs for a while and set up for his "pajama party." After he sent his friends on their quest, he would sleep for most of the day. But first he needed to put the finishing touches on his scavenger hunt.

A/N: writing this chapter brought up a somewhat terrifying question: What do the Avengers wear for pajamas? Since this is, in fact a crackfic, I stretched the possibilities, and you've read what I came up with. The next chapter shall explain the scavenger hunt, answer any of the team's questions, and send them to the first secret location.


	3. The First Clue

Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you for all of the reviews! Reviews are exciting. They feed the plot bunnies! (Have any of you ever had a plot bunny start eating your brain because it's starving? I have experienced zombie plot bunnies before, and it's not fun. Keep reviewing!) enough rambling. Read on, Midgardian mortal!

At a quarter 'til eight, Tony changed into his brand new Iron Man pajamas so that no one would feel awkward about being the only ones in their pajamas. At 7:59, Jarvis turned off the music and unlocked the door to the shop. At precisely 8:00, the door slid open, and Natasha, Steve, Bruce, Clint, and Thor filed into the shop. Tony motioned for them to sit on the folding chairs that were arranged in a line in front of him. He looked at them with a steely glare as he paced the floor in front of them. He stopped directly in front of Bruce, who was sitting in the middle of the line of chairs. Since he was sleep deprived he decided to act distinguished and eloquent and calm. As the meeting progressed, he would see what other moods he could slip into.

"Good Morning, friends, and welcome to the first ever _Avengers_ pajama party. Now, many of you are probably conjuring images of late night movies, sloppy manicures, and microwave popcorn, along with sleep deprivation and incessant giggling. Am I right?"

This opening statement was delivered in the same deadpan tone as the Jericho missile speech. Four heads nodded in the affirmative. Everyone but Thor knew of the horrors that Tony just named off. When the nodding had ceased, Tony continued.

"Does anyone have any questions thus far?"

"Yes, I do." Thor said. "What does one do at a party of pajamas?" Tony stared blankly at him for thirty seconds without blinking. Thor raised his eyebrows, as if to say "so are you gonna answer?" After a full minute, Tony responded.  
"You need help." With that, he continued in his rant.

"Many of you are probably wondering why I've called for this 'party of pajamas,' as Friend Thor so eloquently put it. You are probably also wondering if I've finally gone insane. Or…"

At this point, Tony ran out of ideas for what his victims would be wondering, so he added what he was wondering, after a brief pause.

"Or…why Spangles is sitting here in his undies."

Everyone but Steve started to laugh, including Tony. Steve just started to turn red. Tony's laughter was just good acting, however, and after about fifteen seconds of laughter, he abruptly stopped. Everyone else was still laughing awkwardly.

"SILENCE!" he shouted. Everyone was shocked at his sudden change in demeanor. When everyone's attention was back on him, he calmed back to his eloquent self.

"Really, why is friend Steve sitting here in his unmentionables? Anyone?"

Clint was still kind of upset about the whole 'clothes gone' thing, so he responded.

"Because our clothes are gone?" he whined, like a three year old.

"Yes, Clint. And does anyone know _why_ their clothes are missing?" Tony inquired.

This time Thor answered, like the informant for the parent, the snitch.

"Well, I think that you became unhappy when Lady Natasha and friend Steve gave all of the dirty laundry to you."

"Yes. You could say that I became unhappy when five baskets of dirty laundry, that were not mine, made their way into my room. Anything else?"

"You probably weren't too happy when we ignored your coming into the kitchen to ask what was going on." Brue said.

"Good answer, Brucey! I was downright pissed when I was ignored. So you know what I did with the baskets full of laundry?"

This question was met with looks of horror and absolute silence by everyone except Thor.

"You brought them down to the shop, built an overly-technical furnace, and incinerated them!" He said with way to much excitement. Tony was caught off guard for that response.

"Uh, no… but next time I get really mad and need to vent, I'll ask you for ideas,"

Tony paused briefly to get his train of thought back on the rails.

"Dear friends. When you decided to treat my bedroom as a laundry room, Jarvis kindly opened the window for me and I got to see the once in a lifetime view of five baskets of laundry drop down to the sidewalk below, where they exploded into a heap of basket pieces and dirty clothes."

Clint started to tear up at the description of what Tony did.

"It was a beautiful sight, but I decided to take it a step further. I decided to take _all _of the clothing and hide it so that my bedroom shall never be mistaken for a laundry room again. By the time you find it, I'm sure you'll find that doing your own laundry will seem very appealing. You will find your clothes at five locations around the city."

Natasha was appalled. "You mean you actually expect us to go on a scavenger hunt for our clothes?" she asked incredulously. Bruce, inspired by Natasha's outburst, asked another question. "And if it is a scavenger hunt, do we get clues?" he asked hopefully. Tony listened attentively to his friends' questions.

"Yes, I do expect you to hunt for your clothes, unless of course you want to stay in your pajamas for the rest of your stay in New York. And, I have come up with some lovely clues to get you pointed in the right direction. Before you leave here I will give you the first one. The second one will be at the first location, the third at the second, and so forth, until you have each recovered your wardrobes. Does anyone have any questions?" When everyone looked like they understood everything, He continued. "Great. Here is your first clue. Good luck on your newest, most urgent mission. Avenger, disassemble." With that, he handed a slip of paper to Bruce, and walked out of the shop.

When the door had slid shut, Bruce unfolded the piece of paper. It read:

_I've never been to London, but I came from France, and I have everyone's underpants! _

_Who am I?_

A/N: Hope this chapter is not too crazy… any guesses on where our friends are headed?

Reviews prompt the plot bunnies to go faster. (hint, hint)


	4. The First Location

Chapter 4

A/N: Do you want the good news, bad news, or indifferent news first? I'll start with the bad.

The plot bunnies are gone. For good. They are never coming back. Ever.

The good news, however, is that they have all been replaced by a small herd of plot Bilgesnipe. If you would like to read more about them, go to my profile page. The indifferent news (to you, "I-don't-know" news to me) is that plot Bilgesnipe eat more, and there are seven of them. So if you don't review, my brain shall become Bilgesnipe chow. Read on, Midgardian Mortal!

Disclaimer: the Bilgesnipes don't like to admit it, but we don't own the Avengers. Or the Statue of Liberty. Or anything else that is recognizable in this story. ON TO THE GOOD STUFF!

_I've never been to London, _

_But I came from France, _

_And I have everyone's underpants! _

_Who Am I?_

The Avengers (Minus Iron Man) stared intently at the scrap of paper in Bruce's hand. Almost everyone was still shocked the Tony had taken all of their clothes, so they weren't thinking too hard about where the first clue was leading them. Almost everyone. Steve, of course, knew almost immediately where they were supposed to go.

"Statue of Liberty." He said confidently.

"How do you know this, Friend Steve?" Thor asked, surprised.

"That's easy. The statue, which was sculpted by Frederic Auguste Bartholdi, was a gift from the French, to commemorate our friendship with them after the Revolutionary War, and our centennial as a country. However, due to slow fundraising, Lady Liberty didn't make it to Ellis Island until June of 1885, nearly ten years after the centennial…" Steve would have kept going all day if someone hadn't stopped him.

"Okay, we get it, Cap. I've never seen a professor give a history lecture in his underwear. Let's get going." Natasha said icily.

"Quick question: how did you guys not know that Lady Liberty is French?" Steve asked. He was amazed that his friends knew so little about the great landmark.

"Asgardian."

"Russian."

"Math was more my strong subject in school."

"I must have been waiting for recess to start."

These answers came from Thor, Natasha, Bruce, and Clint, respectively.

"That's sad. Tony, the man who couldn't tie his shoes without Pepper, knew, and you didn't." Steve said, amazed.

"Tony probably just Googled it this morning." Bruce said.

"You're probably right. Let's get going. I want my clothes back."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Twenty minutes later, the pajamaed Avengers were cruising out of Tony's garage in the STARK 5 car. Steve was the first to voice a concern.

"Hey, Tasha, won't Tony be mad when he finds out that you hotwired his car?" he asked nervously.

"He's the one who's sending us on this harebrained 'mission', so he should be prepared to deal with the consequences." She returned unfeelingly. Next, Thor chimed in.

"Yes, but what if something happens to it?" he asked.

"What, You don't trust me? We'll be fine. I've been driving on the _autobahn_ for years. New York City rush hour is nothing compared to that!" she replied confidently. To prove her abilities, she stomped on the accelerator to make it through a yellow light.

"Um, Tasha, I'm pretty sure that yellow means 'slow down.'" Clint said from the back seat.

"Oh, yeah? Well, on the Autobahn, yellow means floor it. And I don't appreciate backseat drivers."

"WE'RE NOT ON THE FREAKIN' AUTOBAHN!" Clint yelled in alarm, as they nearly collided with a taxi that had decided to stop abruptly to pick up a passenger. Natasha laughed evilly and swerved around the taxi.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

When they had arrived at Ellis Island, all but Natasha poured out of the vehicle and kissed the ground. When they all had composed themselves, they headed for the base of the statue. There they met the security guard whom Tony had paid off to deliver a scrap of paper to the weirdoes running about NYC in their pajamas. He stopped them and gave them a piece of paper, a note from Tony. It read:

_I'm glad you made it. I hope you're not afraid of heights; _

_best of luck to you_

As soon as Clint had read the note, he scoffed.

"Afraid of heights? The Avengers? High spots are my favorite, Cap has been skydiving, Thor can fly, Tasha is pretty much fearless. And Bruce shouldn't be afraid of heights. He's indestructible. This should be easy. I'll go get the stuff"

So, up the stairs he went. He came out in the torch that the statue was holding. He immediately saw their undergarments. They were inside of boxes that were made of the Hulk-proof glass from the cell in the heli-carrier. The next clue was in a brightly colored envelope on one f the boxes. He grabbed it, stacked up the boxes, and headed for the stairs. When he returned to the ground, everyone grabbed at their own box, hoping to open them.

"I don't think we'll be able to open them here, guys." He said. "It's the same material as the holding cell on the heli-carrier. But I got the next clue," he said as he opened the envelope. He read it silently to himself before passing it around.

_What are you doing TODAY?_

_-Tony_

A/N: So where are they headed next? Feel free to PM location ideas and clues to my profile. Oh, and this is the first story that I've written that has more than one page of reviews! Let's see if we can get to three pages!


	5. Location 2

Chapter 5

A/N: Do you have any idea how much the plot Bilgesnipes are eating? It's insane! We need more reviews if my brain is to remain uneaten.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Nothing that is recognizable in this story is mine. I shamelessly stole everything. But since I freely admit to stealing it, Marvel and NBC can't sue me. YAY!

"Today?" Thor asked. "Tony should know what we're doing today. He's the one who arranged this blasted hunt of scavengers."

"Yes, but the word 'today' is obviously what we're supposed to focus on." Clint explained.

"NBC Studio at Rockefeller Center is where we're supposed to go." Natasha said certainly.

"What in the world does Rockefeller Center have to do with 'Today?' " Thor asked, still confused.

"Rockefeller Center is where the TODAY show is broadcast from." Bruce said, finally understanding the clue. "And they should be live right now. Tony probably hid our clothes in the studio, so that we have to go on air in our pajamas." As soon as they had the clue figured out, they ran for the car to get to the studio.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Right this way." The producer said to the Avengers as the elevator door opened. Tony had stopped by earlier to recruit some help for his little game. They were taken off the set, and the makeup person came to prep them for their debuts as models. The receptionist in the Lobby had given them another clue from Tony. This time it was a homemade mp3 player, called the starkPod. Upon further investigation, they discovered that there was only one song on it: Supermodel, performed by Taylor Dayne.

The Avengers looked at each other in horror. No one wanted to believe the implications of the latest clue.

"He's making us do a fashion show to get our clothes back." Clint said, aghast.

"That's what it sounds like to me." Natasha said, also horrified.

When the Avengers were finished in the makeup room, they were escorted backstage to await their cues.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Due to a last minute change in the program, today's health and fitness story is being replaced by a fashion show." The overly happy host told the camera. She was seated next to her co-hosts on tall chairs near the mini-runway. "New York City's favorite superheroes will be modeling their favorite sleepwear. First up we have Hawkeye, who's sporting a somewhat sloppy pair of shorts and a sleeveless tee." As the overly happy host described what Clint was wearing, he stomped out from backstage. He got to the end of the runway just as the host finished her description. He began to break down in tears, turned around, and walked back to where he began. Natasha, Thor, and Bruce were next, and they fared better, but they were actually wearing something that the general public would view as pj's. They actually put some personality into their modeling.

"Next, we have Thor, In a classic pair of flannel plaid pants, Black Widow in a lovely turquoise and brown summer set of pajamas, and The Hulk in a nice indigo pajama set." As the host described their attire, the walked out, turned around and walked back. Steve was last. He strutted down the runway as confidently as one can while wearing nothing but underwear and a t-shirt on national television. Then he had to wait at the end of the runway until his friends were called back out. When all of the "models" were standing next to Steve, the overly happy host gave each of them a gift. The indestructible square boxes that had all of their shirts. As soon as the Avengers had them in their possession, they bolted for the door. The woman in the lobby stopped them and gave Steve the next clue. He read it out loud.

_All work and no PLAY makes Cap a dull boy._

A/N: Hopefully the next chapter will be more interesting. Any ideas as to where they're going? Review or PM me with answers. (I can think of two really good places that go with the clue.)


	6. Pants

A/N: Dwight the plot Bilgesnipe is thrilled to be getting so many good reviews on his story. Keep it up! *HUBERT! BE NICE!* Hubert is excited too. Avengerscrazygal, you need to get a profile on here so that we can PM. Thanks to all guest reviewers for the ideas and reviews!

Disclaimer: I wish I owned the Avengers. And Marvel. And Disney. Or a personalized Muppet and the ginormous piano from FAO Schwartz. But I don't. Also, note that I have never been to FAO Schwartz, or NYC, or the Subway. All I know about them is what I have googled, or seen on TV.

Tony watched his friends throughout the first two locations on the camera that he had attached to a button on Bruce's pajama shirt. The ease with which his friends solved the clues was alarming. Did they have any idea how long it took him to come up with those? Hopefully they would have a harder time staying focused on the task at hand through the next couple of clues and locations

_All work and no PLAY makes Cap a dull boy._

"Broadway. It has to be Broadway." Steve said. Immediately, Clint started shaking his head.

"No, It's FAO Schwartz. It has to be!" As Steve and Clint argued about where the clue was pointing them, Natasha and Bruce had a discussion about it.

"I really doubt that Tony would send us to Broadway. He's trying to punish us. We would have too much fun at a play." Natasha said to Bruce.

"Agreed. Tony is probably thinking that the children are gonna go bonkers in FAO Schwartz." Bruce remarked, nodding towards Steve and Clint, who were still arguing.

"Yeah, and he is probably already watching the security tapes, waiting for Thor, Steve, and Clint to see the huge piano. Let's head there." Natasha suggested. She got behind the wheel of the car, trying to re-hotwire it. After the third consecutive failure, she heard Jarvis' voice surrounding her.

"I'm afraid that it won't work this time, Miss Romanoff." The computer stated nonchalantly.

"Oh, Come on! Natasha shouted angrily as she tried again.

"No matter how much you yell, it won't change anything." The computer said calmly. "Might I suggest that you find another mode of transportation?" He asked annoyingly. All of the superheroes piled out of Tony's car and headed for the Subway.

They all ran down the steps into the very guts of New York City: the Subway. Never before had Natasha felt as conspicuous as she did in her frilly pajamas. Steve also felt out of place amongst the hurrying crowds, dressed to the nines for another day on the job. Several men in Armani suits cast a disdainful look his way as they walked past.

"I wish I could melt into the floor, and never come back." Steve muttered to Natasha, the only other Avenger who was overly uncomfortable with the situation.

"Yeah. Why does it seem like everyone is staring at us?" She mumbled back. Thor was the only one who was oblivious to the staring crowds.

"Come friends. It seems that a shuttle has just come to a halt." Amazingly, it was actually going the correct direction. The staring didn't get any better when they got on the train. Since it was rush hour, the train was packed, with only one open seat left in the car that the Avengers were in. Thor sat down next to a mother who was holding her child on her lap. The woman didn't look too pleased that some half naked stranger had chosen to sit down next to her. Thor glanced over at her. She grimaced at him, which the demigod took for a smile. He smiled back and nodded a greeting. The woman picked up her child and her belongings and moved to the other end of the train.

"Friend Natasha, now there is room for you to sit!" Thor cried jubilantly.

"Thor, You scared that poor woman away!" Natasha scolded as she sat down. "She had her hands full _before _you scared her away, now she has to hold her kid, her purse, and the kid's bag, while _standing_ and keeping from falling over. Why did you do that?" Thor looked surprised that Natasha was not pleased with the seat he had acquired for her.

"I was being courteous. I got you a seat."

"You could have let me sit in the only empty seat, instead of scaring her away. You should have stayed standing!" Natasha told him as the train took off.

"Then I shall go apologize for my rudeness." Thor got up and stumbled awkwardly through the crowd to the back of the train where the woman was standing with her child in her arms. He didn't hear Natasha warning him about approaching the woman again. The woman looked warily at him as he approached.

"I apologize for scaring you away from your seat. To make it up to you I would like to offer you my…" Thor never saw it coming. He had no idea that the woman had such a killer right hook. 0o0o0o0o0o0o

At last, the team was standing at the door to FAO Schwartz. Thor had an ice pack held up to his face. As soon as they walked through the door, though, he dropped it, a look of awe spreading across his face when he saw the hugeness of the toy store. He and Clint immediately ran off in different directions before anyone could stop them. The remaining Avengers split up, hoping to catch them before it was too late. After a half hour of searching, they all heard a ruckus coming from the room with the giant piano. The ruckus was made up of children crying and the song Chopsticks being played on the giant piano. Bruce, Natasha, and Steve came in as they reached the epic conclusion of their song. The sight of two fully grown men, dancing around on the piano, in their pajamas, was one that would never be forgotten by the witnesses. Clint saw Natasha standing at the back of the room, giving him and Thor _the look_. He suddenly understood that she wanted them to stop playing, and help them find the clothes. Clint interrupted Thor's last flourishing slide on the piano and dragged him away from the piano.

"What are you guys thinking? Were you thinking? I want to find our clothes and go home, and you guys have the attention span of a gnat! Let's focus on the problem, and we can come back when we don't have other things to do!" Natasha ranted at them. they looked at her blankly before bursting into a response that would drive any parent nuts.

"Awww, come on."

"You're no fun at all." Clint and Thor whined. That's when Bruce chimed in, like the favorite uncle who tries to get his nephews out of trouble.

"Guys, if we don't get what we need here, we won't get to go the candy store later." If only Bruce knew how prophetic his words were. With what Tony had planned, they'd be going to the candy store no matter what. Anyway, what he said cheered Thor and Clint up, and they got back to business. They split up, guessing where Tony had hidden the boxes, Thor was the one to find them, hidden in the build-a-Muppet section of the store. And when he found them, everyone in the store knew about it.

"FRIENDS! I HAVE FOUND OUR PANTS!" Thor bellowed, louder than the very thunder that he was god over. Everyone's attention was drawn to him. Natasha hadn't told them that they had to be discreet about finding their stuff.

"THERE'S A NOTE WITH THEM!" he shouted, bringing even more attention to himself. Suddenly, something jumped on his back and put a hand over his mouth. His cries of "HELPME! HELP ME!" were turned into "MPHH! MPHHHH!"

"Shut up!" A voice whispered in his ear. Natasha had clapped her hand over his mouth to get him to be quiet. Thor immediately calmed down and stopped yelling. Natasha took the note and a couple of boxes, and walked calmly out of the store, with the team following closely behind her.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

When they were safely out of the store, and standing in a semi-private alley, Natasha looked at the note. It was a business card. A business card from Tony's dentist's office. On the back of the card was Tony's personal touch to the note.

_I can only imagine Thor on a sugar buzz. Good Luck._

_-Tony_


	7. Chapter 7

A/N:I'm Back! Sorry it took so long. life gets in the way of FF. As promised, Thor (and Clint) on a sugar buzz. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And prepared for some more OOC-ness.

Disclaimer: i don't own anything worth mentioning...especially not the characters and locations in this story.

"The bar of candy belonging to Dylan." Thor said insistently.

"How do you know about Dylan's Candy Bar, but not about American pajama parties?" Clint asked.

At this point, Thor was already getting excited about the next location. He actually guessed where they were supposed to go next before his friends that were actually from this world. He was very impressed with himself.

"BecauseonetimePepperandTonywereshowingmearoundthe cityandwegotreallytiredandwestoppedatthismagicalpl acethatwaswalltowallconfectionsandweboughtabunchan dateitallonthewaybacktothetowerandHappyhadtopullth elimousineoverlikefivetimesbecauseIhadneverhadthat muchMidgardiansweetsustenancebeforeandIWASCRAZYAND ITWASREALLYREALLYFUN! Tony knows that I'd remember it."

Our demigod friend was having a sugar buzz, and they were nowhere near the huge candy store.

"This is gonna suck." Natasha moaned as Thor finished his long rambling sentence. "But he's probably right. Let's go." She admitted, heading for the edge of the sidewalk.

She threw her hand up in the air, trying to hail a cab. None of the avengers relished the idea of getting on the subway with Thor again, so they were going to try an alternate mode of public transportation. Hopefully it would go better this time. A small yellow sedan pulled up to the curb. When the Cab driver saw them, he immediately pulled back into traffic. This happened three times. It seemed that none of the cabs wanted to take five superheroes, which were standing around in their pajamas, anywhere. After about twenty minutes, a rather run-down looking taxi pulled up and asked where they were going. Natasha told him, and the driver motioned for them to get in.

Mind you, this was not one of the minivan-taxis. It was just a normal, sedan-type car. Fitting five avengers into the backseat of a taxi is no small feat. Bruce, Clint, Natasha, and Steve were the first to get in, all crammed onto the bench seat. Thor was left standing out on the sidewalk.

"Where am I supposed to sit?" He asked pitifully. His friends were silent, trying to think where Thor would fit. They were pulled out of their thoughts by the sudden dead weight of a demigod across their laps, for Thor had swan-dived into the taxi, hit his head on the opposite door, and passed out. Steve folded Thor's legs up so that he was all the way inside the cab, then slammed the door closed.

"Let's be on our way." He said cheerfully. The cabbie shrugged and pulled away from the curb.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Thor woke up as the cab pulled up to the curb. The Avengers piled out of the cab, paid the fare, and went into the store. Immediately, Clint and Thor froze, childish grins on their faces. Right before they repeated the behavior which they had displayed at the toy store, Natasha came up behind them and grabbed each of them by the ear.

"Boys, what are we here for?" she asked menacingly.

"Our clothes." They chorused, fearing that if they didn't give the appropriate response, they would get their ears removed.

"So, that means you're going to do what?" she asked

"Not go bonkers like we did at the toy store." Clint replied. Thor was a little less attuned to what Natasha wanted to hear. He was still in this for the candy.

"If we're good, and help find the clothes, can we still get some candy?" Thor asked, trying to make a deal.

"We'll see." Natasha conceded. At this response, Thor and Clint started skipping and hopping in a circle around Natasha, saying in a sing-songy voice, "We're getting' candy, yay, yay, yay yay yay!" They stopped, and Thor looked like he had a brilliant plan.

"Let us sing it as a round!" He exclaimed. "I'll start, and you start singing when I get to the 'yay' part, and we'll see how long we can keep it up!"

So it began. And it epically failed. Clint was just too excited to understand how it was supposed to work. Thor began

"We're getting candy!, Yay, yay, yay yay yay!"

Instead of starting his part from the beginning of the song, Clint simply sang the 'yay' part with Thor. This made Thor mad.

"No! You're doing it wrong!"

"No I'm NOT!"

"Are TOO!"

"AM NOT!"

By this time, Natasha was getting fed up, so she interrupted the argument.

"ARE…"

"WITH THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING, NEITHER OF YOU ARE GETTING CANDY!" Natasha shouted over the excessive volume of Thor and Clint arguing. As soon as they heard her start yelling, they stopped, and were on their best behavior. They walked calmly through the store, still excited by all of the possibilities, and barely containing themselves. Thor and Clint were the first to see the boxes, and this time, they had everyone's super-suits in them. They went and retrieved them and brought them calmly back to Natasha.  
"Thank you. Now go find the next clue." She said sweetly. The 'boys' rushed to obey. They came back five minutes later with a note from Tony.

_Will history repeat itself? We shall see._

_-Tony_

Natasha took the note and started to herd Thor and Clint toward the door, with them complaining the whole way.

"Awwww, come on. No candy?" Clint whined.

"Nope. Now MARCH!"

A/N: One Chapter left. where do you think they're going? I shall try to post it soon. R&R


	8. The Last Chapter

Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for the incredibly long wait. However, this is the final chapter, so no waiting after this! And I have a list of excuses, so I shall write all of them in my post A/N, because excuses make the world go round.

Before I get any reviews asking me where the American Museum of War is, I would like to tell you all that IT DOES NOT EXIST. I made it up to fit my purposes.

Disclaimer: As always, IF I OWNED AVENGERS, WOULD I REALLY BE WRITING FANFICS? I don't think so. All I own is the non-existent museum.

Little did Natasha know what was to ensue at the next location. She thought that just because they were away from the candy store, that no one would get sugar buzzed. She had never been more wrong in her life.

After much discussion, the Avengers determined that the final clue was leading them to the American Museum of War. It wasn't that far away from the Dylan's Candy Bar, so rather than risk another disaster with public transportation, they decided to walk.

As Natasha and Steve went into the museum, Bruce called Thor and Clint off to the side. Natasha stopped to wait for them.  
"You two go on ahead. We'll catch up." Bruce said. Natasha looked at her watch.

"How about we meet in the lobby in an hour?" she asked before heading inside. Thor and Clint were both sad that Natasha hadn't let them get any candy at the last stop, and they were worried that they were in for the scolding of their lives. So they were pleasantly surprised when Bruce handed each of them a half-pound bag of assorted gummy candies. Immediately, they began wolfing down the various chewy shapes.

"Whoa! Slow down! You're going to have a sugar crash." Bruce insisted.

"Don't worry, friend Bruce. I have never had a crash of sugar before." Thor explained

_Forget the crash. What's going to happen with the buzz? _Bruce thought to himself. He could already see that contentedly glazed look in their eyes that would soon be replaced by the crazed look that stems from the consumption of too much candy. Clint and Thor bounced into the museum, already feeling the effects of the sugar. As soon as they were past the lobby, they both darted off in different directions, Thor running, and Clint doing a cartwheel and a few backflips, and narrowly missing the exhibit cases.

_What. Have. I. Done?_ Bruce muttered to himself. He had to get to them and calm them down before Natasha found out. And before they broke the museum.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Natasha and Steve split up and each headed to the section of the museum that they related to the most, Steve to the WWII exhibit, and Natasha to the Cold War exhibit. As she was walking through the museum, she heard a strange sound. A familiar voice was singing "Ring Around a Rosy" to himself, and spinning around in circles. He had apparently sang it a few times, because his steps were becoming more and more staggering with every revolution. He didn't realize that he was being watched until he had "all falled down" for the fifth time.

"Lady Natasha! Come join me!" he yelled, louder than necessary. "Come play this wonderful game that some Midgardian child showed me!" Natasha walked up to Thor, grabbed him by the ear, and led him back towards the lobby. Bruce was there too, looking frantically about for the sugar buzzed demigod and the assassin. When he saw Natasha and Thor headed his way, he began to act completely natural. Natasha was having none of it.

"Bruce, what did you do to him?" she demanded angrily.

"W-w-what do you mean?" Bruce countered, still trying to keep up the ruse of innocence.

" !" Thor rattled. He was beginning to get the jitters from eating that much sugar. Natasha looked pleased that Thor was confessing, and he didn't even know it.

"Yeah? And where did Clint go after he ate his candy?" Natasha asked Thor, while giving Bruce a death glare. Bruce put his hand to his temples, realizing that it was over.

"Weranoffindifferentdirections,LadyNatasha. Hewasdoingcartwheelsandbackflips. Iwasjustrunning." Thor answered, still unaware that he was getting Bruce deeper into trouble. Just as Natasha was about to continue the interrogation, Clint came streaking into the lobby, all five boxes in his arms.

"Ifoundthem,Natasha. Wecangohomemnow!"He yelled. He dumped the boxes at her feet, and started bouncing on his toes. He could barely contain his sheer joy. Natasha stared grimly at him. He slowly caught on that she wasn't happy, and calmed down.

"There was another note with them. I picked that up too." He said meekly as he handed the slip of paper to her. Everything was back under control by the time Steve found them. He had missed the whole thing.

"We have the boxes? Let's get out of here!" he said, eager to get back to the tower.

Natasha read the note to herself.

_Congratulations on completing _this_ most noble quest._

_You may return to the tower, where the boxes shall be unlocked._

_-Tony_

"Tony says that our 'quest' is done. We can go back now." Natasha said, relieved that it was over. Or so she thought.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Tony sat in his shop, munching popcorn and watching his friends re-group at the museum. When Thor and Clint went berserk on the sugar high, he nearly choked on his chlorophyll smoothie from laughing so hard. It also amused him when Natasha said that they were done. "Oh, contraire, Lady Natasha! If only you knew," He laughed to himself. While his friends were still at the candy shop, he had decided that his friends would be doing his laundry for him for the foreseeable future. Pepper had been taking care of the dry cleaning and laundry for years, and he figured that she needed a break. He decided to pretend that nothing had happened that morning, and see what his friends said.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

As soon as the Avengers walked into the tower, all of the boxes clicked open. They rode the elevator up to their living quarters, hoping to avoid Tony. Luckily for them, he was nowhere to be found.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Hunger drove the Norse god of Thunder from sleep at the inhumane hour of four oclock in the morning. He knew that lady Natasha had just gone to the store of sustenance last night, and she had gotten him a new supply of poptarts, including a new flavor called S'mores. He had no idea what S'mores were, but he knew he wanted to find out. Friend Tony was appalled that he didn't know what they were, and he described them as the most magical American childhood treats ever.

He decided to get up and go find the magical box of S'more tarts. He stood up in the dark and walked towards his closet to find some suitable garments for the day. Not two steps away from his bed, he tripped on something and fell into a somersault. He continued the roll, and landed on his feet in one smooth motion. With a flip of his fabulous god hair, he held out his hand to warily summon Mjolnir. Glancing around his room, he took another two steps back, and tripped again, this time falling backwards. He sprung to his feet, wondering what foul creature was causing him to fall. He walked sideways, in the opposite direction of the obstacles that brought him down before. Once again, he tripped and fell.

Luckily, when he got up for the third time, he was next to the light switches. He flicked on the lights. What met his eyes terrified him. Easily twenty baskets of Tony's dirty laundry had been placed strategically around his room. Thor fled for the kitchen and his beloved poptarts. He got out five boxes of pop tarts and sat cross-legged on the island countertop, munching away. And that is exactly how Natasha and Clint found him two hours later on their way down to the gym to work out. Staring off into space, absentmindedly chewing on a poptart.

**A/N: So, the moral of the story is: never expect a Genius Millionaire Playboy Philanthropist to do your laundry.**

**In case it is not clear, Thor is just the first victim of Tony's laundry service plan. I just don't have a long enough attention span to write about the others. Hopefully this ending is satisfactory. **

**Here are the excuses for the long wait. **

**1. Schoolwork. As a homeschooler, my school year is year round.**

**2. Vacation. It wasn't really a vacation. It was volunteer work for church. It was still fun, but not a vacation. **

**3. more schoolwork.**

**4. I got a job. I've been learning how to juggle work, church stuff, and schoolwork. Fanfiction has kinda been falling to the bottom of the priority list. **

** So I have been busy, just not on writing fanfics. I'm going on hiatus from writing anything longer than a oneshot, and those shall be random, with no pattern to the post dates. I will still be chatting with some buddies, and reading their updates, though. Thanks for bearing with me!**

**-vamp of alium sativum**


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